You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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