Already got asked if we're dating
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
