Can Purell be used as lube?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
