Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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