Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
