I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
