i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
