Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
