You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
