If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I want to be your penis for a week.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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