I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You ate ashes out of my bong
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
