My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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