Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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