woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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