they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
