is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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