I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
