I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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