Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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