you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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