My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
