i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
