Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
