Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
apparently the secret to your success is patron
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
