i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize