I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
