OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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