She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
