dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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