He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
