It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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