party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
