Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
