I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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