i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
