There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
