i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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