I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
