i would punch a child for taco bell
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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