Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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