I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
