Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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