Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
