this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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