She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
