I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize