That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
