Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
