Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
