No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
In America we eat man semen.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
