I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
