remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
