I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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