Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
