Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
