I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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