Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
