i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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