shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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