this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
