I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize