For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
