i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
