Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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