Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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