apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
